I want to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there and to all of you who have been mothered. What does being a mother or being mothered mean to you?
When I worked as graduate coordinator at UT, I frequently felt like I was a mother to all the graduate students who came through the department. Some needed it more than others. Some availed themselves of my care and others did not.
From the first time that a student contacted the department because they were interested in going to graduate school, I was usually the person they contacted either through the web site I maintained, through a phone call, email, a visit, or all of the above. I fielded questions about the requirements for application to the department before they applied to requirements for graduation when they were close to finishing. When school started, I held an orientation to introduce them to faculty members and the department as well as to inform them what was expected of them once they started classes. I told them they were likely feeling a bit of imposter syndrome and were waiting to be found out. I reassured them that they did belong and we were glad they were there.
As the mother of the department’s graduate students, I had an open door policy. If I was in my office, I was available to them. I was often available by email even when I wasn’t in the office. I loved graduate students dropping by for no other reason than to chat. I do love to chat. I was open to discuss problems the student was having with faculty members or course work. I began offering coaching services to the students who were writing dissertations for the doctoral program or a thesis for a master’s degree. Coaching was mothering with regular appointments.
I never set out to be the mother of the graduate students, but it is and was part of who I am. I had mothered my own two children most of the time that I worked at UT and it was a natural extension in dealing with the graduate students. I take care of people. It is part of my Enneagram Type 9 personality, which seeks to find and keep the peace. If people are taken care of, then they are peaceful. I can’t say that I was able to do that with all the students who came through the department, but I dare say most felt cared for by me.
What is mothering? I think part of it is listening to another’s problems with empathy. As a coach, I also asked questions about how the student thought they could approach the problem they brought to me. If the question was “How do I get this dissertation finished?” My reply to that would be a coaching question: “What part of writing a dissertation is causing you the most grief?” If the problem was getting it written, I would say: “Tell me about your writing habits.” As the graduate coordinator, sometimes the questions were procedural and had specific answers. “How do you apply to graduate?” When I was last asked that question, I could say, “You go online to the graduate school’s website and submit an online application.” However, sometimes the question may not have been said specifically but it was, “I am lost and I don’t think I can do this.” Then the mothering kicked in. I’d listen empathetically and support the student with “Tell me more.” Eventually, the student would run down and hopefully they felt like they could actually go on for one more day. Being in graduate school is a daunting task. I know. I’ve been there and did it. I felt like every graduate student could as well, unless they decided they didn’t want to any more. I supported them in that decision as well.
So Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there and those who mother and those who have had mothers. I think that covers just about everyone. Remember to listen with empathy and ask questions. Love the person you are listening to. Everyone needs a little more love.
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