The following is a chapter I wrote for the Greater Austin International Coaching Federation chapter’s 25th-anniversary book called Explorations into the Being and Doing of Coaching. Enjoy this insight into how coaching works for me.
During one of my first coaching sessions with a graduate student, she explained that she was having trouble figuring out a problem with her research method.
“Do you have any advice?” she asked. I felt my stomach sink. I had no idea what to tell her. It was the kind of problem that had driven me out of the research world.
I paused a few seconds wondering what the heck to say and these magic words came out of my mouth. “What do you think?” The graduate student also paused and then began to innumerate several possible solutions.
In my best coaching voice, I asked, “Which of those solutions seems to be the most helpful?” With that, she began to discuss the pros and cons of the thoughts she had about her problem. I was thrilled.
Later I realized that I didn’t have to know the answer to her problems. I just needed to ask her the right questions for her to figure out what her own solution was. Boy, what a load off of my shoulders that was! I didn’t need to know the answers! What I really needed to know was how to ask the right questions to elicit her thoughts. Here are three ways that you as a coach can help your clients come up with their own solutions. I did not invent any of these. They are just techniques I have picked up along the way and use.
- Listen
- Pause
- Ask a question
First, listen carefully to the client. You must have your mind in the present moment. You cannot be thinking of what to have for dinner and then what you need to pick up at the grocery store before you can make the dish you chose. Thinking about the argument you had with your significant other while “listening” to the client does a disservice to both of you. Sometimes taking a five-minute break before talking to a client and doing some deep breathing can ground you in the moment. This allows you to be present for each person who talks to you.
Listen with your ears. Pay attention to tone of voice and cadence of speech. Is the client speaking quickly? Is she excited about what she is saying or does the fast speech seem to indicate that she is fearful? Is she speaking slowly and deliberately as if she is unsure of what she is saying? Does that mean that she’s not sure what the problem is or that she knows and is fearful about it?
Listen with your eyes and watch her body. Did she walk in and fall into the chair? Is her back curved over and she’s staring at the floor when she talks about the problem? Can she barely sit still in the chair due to what seems to be anxiety over the issue? If you are on the phone or a videoconference, body cues are harder to pick up and you may have to rely on verbal hints to how the client is feeling.
Listen to your body. Yes, sometimes you will sense subtle things about how a client is feeling without knowing how you know. That’s okay. You don’t need know how you know. You just need to pay attention to what your intuition is telling you might be happening in the client.
If you pick up on these cues as you are listening, ask the client if your interpretation of their signals is correct. In the above situation, I said to the client, “It seemed when you came in that you were sad about where you had found yourself in your research. Now you seem much more excited about discovering that you did have some ideas about what to do. Is that the case?” Be very careful about accepting your own story for what you saw. Ask the client to be sure you interpreted her signals correctly.
“No, I think I was more anxious about it at first, rather than sad. And yes I do feel excited about it now. I had not realized that until you mentioned it.” No sweeter words to a coach’s ears than that the coach revealed something the client had not realized for herself.
Next, pause. Give the client time to consider what she has just asked you. Give yourself time to consider what she asked. Silence can be an important coaching technique. In the U.S. waiting about 2-3 seconds before giving an answer can help the client feel that you considered her words before replying. Pausing that long can give you the opportunity to decide what question you want to ask next.
However, a pause can be detrimental, too. Waiting more than four seconds can cause the client to wonder if you heard or are upset with what she said. Using long pauses is one-way negotiators use to get the “other guy” to talk more. The long pause can make some people uncomfortable enough to start talking to fill the silence, which is what the negotiator is hoping the “other guy” will let something slip about what points they are willing to negotiate.
Finally, talk about your observation, ask a clarifying question or the “What do you want to do?” question. You’ve been listening and watching as the client tells you her story. You can comment on what you’ve seen. I gave an example of a question to confirm an observation above. Confirm that you interpreted what you saw correctly.
Ask for clarification. You’ve heard her tell you the story of her problem. Did you understand all of it correctly? Were there any parts of it that were not clear to you? Even if you are pretty sure you get what she said, it never hurts to clarify. Ask.
“I heard you say you have two possible ways to go after the data. Is that correct?” I asked my client.
“Well actually there are three ways I could do this, but I think only two of them are feasible given the time I have to collect the data,” she said.
If you believe that you understand the emotions around the problem and you truly understand the problem, now is the time you can ask that wonderful question: “What do you think you should do?”
Believe it or not, most clients will have an answer. Do not give in to the desire to make her more comfortable. Give her time and space. Remember what I said about silence. Now is the time to use it to elicit more words from your client. She knows the answer whether she finds it immediately or eventually. She’ll figure it out with your listening and questions.
I didn’t know all of this the first time I coached a graduate student. I was just thrilled that my asking her what she wanted to do about her issue worked. I realized that I didn’t have to know all the answers just like my coaching instructors had told me. Of course, I didn’t really believe it until I tried it.
Go and coach. You do not need to know the answers. Trust that your client does. Your job is to empower them to see where they are and to know that they know more than they think they do.
